i feel like crying

well as usual there always has to be something wrong with something good in my life. i get really sick of this kind of thing. and people wonder why i'm so moody. that guy that i told the world about...yea he likes another girl. it sucks ya know. like sometimes i wonder what's wrong with me, that i cant ever be anyone's number one. i know alot of people most likely feel the way i do but it just gets tiring. like....my mom always said that when the right guy comes along, i'll know, but i get sick and tired of waiting, and if you knew what i felt alot of the times, you'd know exactly why. i know when i'm really upset about something cuz i shake, well worse than i normally do. like i wana cry but i know that in a setting like school the wrong thing to do would be to cry. i dont want everyone staring at me, and i definately dont want people to know that there is something wrong with me. he just sent me a text message, and i'm kinda scared to read it. yeah it says "i want to be honest with you". psh...thats what they always say. like really....is it so hard to just lie to me sometimes. make me feel like i actually do matter. shit. i can feel the tears....fuck its just been a really bad coulple of days, and this is just the icing on the cake. i feel pathetic...and little. like i dont matter to anyone enough for them to get to know me. i can say...with derision that no one knows me better than myself. i've lost every single thing i've ever really wanted. its irritating. it seriously bugs me. i try so hard to be somebody that everyone likes because when i be myself no one seems to give a shit....i dont really have anyone to turn to because my "friends" dont really give a flying fuck what happens to me and all my mom ever says is "no boy is worth your tears natacia" i'm sick of hearing that, i'm sick of getting my heart ripped out and smeared on the ground...and i'm sick of sitting down on the ground after its all over and trying to piece everything back together without letting anyone know that anything is wrong with me. it just gets ridiculously sickning. maybe something is wrong with me...but if there is something wrong with me i wish someone would just tell me already. I dont want to be sarcastic with him but i dont want him to know how upset i am. and i dont want these people to know that there's something wrong with me. i just want things to work for me. just once, when something really matters to me...i just really wish god for one time in my shitty ass life, could fix something in my favor. if he says everything about me is perfect then why doesnt it work? why is what i feel always the complete opposite of what everyone else thinks. they say it doesnt pay to be someone ur not, but what do i do when the person i really am is rejected in every sense known to man. i just wanna die sometimes. suicide seems like such an easy outer...but thats the problem its just too damn easy. you could take a couple pills or pull a trigger, and just like that your whole fucking life all the shit you have to deal with everyday is gone. it just seems too easy. i couldnt ever do it of course, i'm not that selfish, i do know that my family would miss me a great deal...i'm so good at hiding my emotions that sometimes people cant tell the difference....all iwant to do...is get something right....no i want someone to love me...to pick me over someone else....to look at me and know that there's no one else in this whole world that they'd rather be with. i dont wana cry anymore. ever.