i feel like crying

well as usual there always has to be something wrong with something good in my life. i get really sick of this kind of thing. and people wonder why i'm so moody. that guy that i told the world about...yea he likes another girl. it sucks ya know. like sometimes i wonder what's wrong with me, that i cant ever be anyone's number one. i know alot of people most likely feel the way i do but it just gets tiring. like....my mom always said that when the right guy comes along, i'll know, but i get sick and tired of waiting, and if you knew what i felt alot of the times, you'd know exactly why. i know when i'm really upset about something cuz i shake, well worse than i normally do. like i wana cry but i know that in a setting like school the wrong thing to do would be to cry. i dont want everyone staring at me, and i definately dont want people to know that there is something wrong with me. he just sent me a text message, and i'm kinda scared to read it. yeah it says "i want to be honest with you". psh...thats what they always say. like really....is it so hard to just lie to me sometimes. make me feel like i actually do matter. shit. i can feel the tears....fuck its just been a really bad coulple of days, and this is just the icing on the cake. i feel pathetic...and little. like i dont matter to anyone enough for them to get to know me. i can say...with derision that no one knows me better than myself. i've lost every single thing i've ever really wanted. its irritating. it seriously bugs me. i try so hard to be somebody that everyone likes because when i be myself no one seems to give a shit....i dont really have anyone to turn to because my "friends" dont really give a flying fuck what happens to me and all my mom ever says is "no boy is worth your tears natacia" i'm sick of hearing that, i'm sick of getting my heart ripped out and smeared on the ground...and i'm sick of sitting down on the ground after its all over and trying to piece everything back together without letting anyone know that anything is wrong with me. it just gets ridiculously sickning. maybe something is wrong with me...but if there is something wrong with me i wish someone would just tell me already. I dont want to be sarcastic with him but i dont want him to know how upset i am. and i dont want these people to know that there's something wrong with me. i just want things to work for me. just once, when something really matters to me...i just really wish god for one time in my shitty ass life, could fix something in my favor. if he says everything about me is perfect then why doesnt it work? why is what i feel always the complete opposite of what everyone else thinks. they say it doesnt pay to be someone ur not, but what do i do when the person i really am is rejected in every sense known to man. i just wanna die sometimes. suicide seems like such an easy outer...but thats the problem its just too damn easy. you could take a couple pills or pull a trigger, and just like that your whole fucking life all the shit you have to deal with everyday is gone. it just seems too easy. i couldnt ever do it of course, i'm not that selfish, i do know that my family would miss me a great deal...i'm so good at hiding my emotions that sometimes people cant tell the difference....all iwant to do...is get something right....no i want someone to love me...to pick me over someone else....to look at me and know that there's no one else in this whole world that they'd rather be with. i dont wana cry anymore. ever.

Hmm.. History kinda sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (the added exclaimation points actually mean something)

So i really havent blogged for a while and I APOLOGIZE!!! i've tweeted as much as possible but i dont have my phone at the current moment so tweeting is sort of off of my agenda. Well i know it sounds faulty because i say this everytime i blog but i'm pretty sure i'm actually in love right now. there's this guy. (and because i dont know what his feelings about me currently he will remain annonymous). But he's super cool and amazingly cute...and yeah..you could say that its a little kid crush i guess. I've thrown away all my journals, due to a invasion of my privacy, so i think that blogging will definately become something that will happen close to every day. Oh i know, not a very long entry but its all good. I only have 7 more minutes then i have to go to spanish. DEATH TO THAT CLASS! i dont hate it as much as i dislike Ms. Hanson but ya know... its ok. Ms. Hanson just bothers me. Gosh i really hope she never reads this. Well its not like i'm showing a picture of her, which is something i could do, but i choose not to because i dont want to look at her face. I HATE HER! lol but its ok i guess, only one more year [hopefully] of her teaching [if it even deserves to be called teaching, i think not] i wonder if kevin, brandon, and nate are really the only ones who actually read this? Hmm...could be. Well i get my phone back next week so the tweeting will start up again. even tho i know it bugs the hell out of nathan it actually makes me feel good about my feelings [maybe its just me annoying nathan that gives me the high]. well i'm sure i'll get time to blog later. peace out homie g's

i really hope things will go ok this time.

i havent been on in a a long time. i apologize for any one thats been reading on a reegular basis.....which would be no one. Well anyways. i met a boy. i met a boy yesterday and i know its early but i kinda like him...not alot...well yea alot, enough to wanna go hang out with him next weekend. i wont say his name because unlike demetre i actually have respect for him and want to keep our relationship where it is. at a nice steady breeze. i havent tweeted in a long time either but yesterday we went to sections for one act and got robbed by a gay ass play called Cagebirds, and another dry ass play called Art. But i have a strategy for next year, we're going to pick a play that has a horrible ending and a bunch of dry humor and then maybe we'll go and win at state. but anyways....yeah. i dont really know if i have much more to blog about but i dont feel like stopping. Ha. i think that's the problem with a lot of people in this country. They really dont have a reason to, but they want to do it anyways. Like eating. ha. which is what i'm doing right now. sad huh. i have 3 7th graders who have been playing xbox at my house since about 1:30 this afternoon. Its now 5:58 in the evening and they're still at it. I'm absolutely not in the mood to do my geometry DEATH TO MS. HANSON! i know how to do everything in that class its just that i'm pretty sure ms. hanson knows that i hate with a passion homework and she gives it...then i dont do it. i dont see the point in doing homework on material i already understand. Between the three 7th graders at my house they just went through 80 pizza pockets, three liters of soda, and two family size bags of chips. the funniest thing is that all three of them are wrestlers. ha. i havent eaten anything. maybe thats what i should do. infact i'm going to do that. bye!